Tuesday, February 28, 2017

My 1st trimester

My 1st Trimester

June 2016 - August 2016:

So… I’m pregnant. Now what?

It’s a crazy thing, getting pregnant. I won’t give you the whole, how does a woman get pregnant, explanation. Google it if you must… whatever you know, whatever you read, the common denominator is that pregnancy is miraculous.

So many women can’t get pregnant. For what ended up as just a few moments or so, I thought I was one of them. Just a couple weeks ago, I thought I might not be able to get pregnant. And in those moments, I decided that I was going to be okay with that.

I decided right there in that moment that I was going to be okay with not getting pregnant, with never having a child.

But, now I am pregnant.

It feels like I should be doing something. Something different, something substantial, something Mom-like. It feels like I should be feeling something substantial too.

The only thing I am feeling is the flu… but I don’t have the flu. I’m pregnant. I’m not throwing up - everyone talks about that like there’s no getting around it, just get ready to puke. I haven’t, not even once. But, I still feel like I have the flu. All day, everyday. I could lay down all day, and I am still tired. I am dizzy, lightheaded, I’m achy & my boobs hurt SO. BAD.

And trust me, I make sure my fiancé is aware.

Yep, I’m pregnant. I suppose I should be thankful for as awful as I feel, because at least I’m not having “morning sickness”, err I mean, at least I am not throwing up.

Ya know what’s annoying? That term, “morning sickness”. Who made that up? It is STUPID. It’s inaccurate. It is not reality. It’s dumb.

First of all, what does morning have to do with anything? Nothing in pregnancy is limited to any particular time of day. And what does one actually mean when they say morning sickness? Do you mean, have I puked? Well, no… but what about the rest of what I’m feeling. Doesn’t that count for anything?

Can we all just please stop saying morning sickness?

I’ve stopped drinking, of course. That makes me feel pregnant. I love wine.  I have quickly come to realize how much I actually drink, on the regular. Wine everyday. I realize that more than not, I got to bed “buzzed” and more than I should, I wake up with some level of hangover. I never washed my face at night because the wine made me feel short of up to all of that. I have started a washing, lotion routine now - might sound silly to most, but I literally have never done this. Being able to go to bed 100% coherent and sober every single night has really opened my eyes as they close a bit easier and well taken care of now.

I keep looking at and rubbing on and paying attention to my belly. Like as if any moment, a bump will pop out, or I will feel some movement. The only thing I know is that I had double blue lines - well, 4 sticks worth of double blue “you’re pregnant" lines. I always wondered how I’d feel about the imminent belly growth if I got pregnant… my former eating disordered self has always been so afraid of how she would react. Well now, I yearn for my belly to grow. I yearn to see evidence of this growing embryo, of my sweet baby. I’ve never in my life hoped to wake up every morning hoping to see that evidence, my belly with a bump.

I called my OB the same day I found out - they don’t even care to see me for a few weeks. That just doesn’t seem right to me. Isn’t there something they need to do, or check, or examine. Don’t I need an ultrasound, or at least a professional pregnancy test, like stat?

Speaking of ultrasounds, they told me I wouldn’t get one until 12 weeks pregnant - this is when they start testing for abnormalities. 12 weeks?!? You mean I have to wait 12 weeks for any tangible confirmation that there is something really in there?! Shoot, perhaps there is more than 1 something in there… don’t we need to know how many somethings were having?

Oye - the anxiety!

After experiencing some very light spotting at the end of my 7th week, I fought for a “viability ultrasound” at 8 1/2 weeks. That term, viability… insert more anxiety.

Well, here was our little embryo - God Almighty, it is beyond words relieving to see the little nugget floating away in there. 

I got to see and hear his little heart beat, of which has officially stolen mine. I wasn’t expecting to be able to hear a heart beat - hearing that pitter patter for the first time is indescribable. It is the first time of what I’m certain to be many, many to come that I Mom-cried.

It’s both emotionally relieving and overwhelming to think that little nugget is going to develop into a little human, and I’m going to be responsible for nurturing, cuddling and loving on him or her…

It feels real now.

Until I saw that nugget of an embryo, it honestly didn’t feel real. I just felt that someone stole all my wine and replaced it with the plague. Now, I feel like I am doing something miraculous, and the purpose and meaning of life has officially shifted.

I go about my days now with a constant connection to and awareness of this little baby. My baby. Boy or girl, I’m not sure what I would prefer. But, for my fiancé’s sake, I pray it is a boy. He’s had an overwhelming amount of female in his life - raised by a single Mom and the big brother to 2 sisters, lots of female family members who are always around. He has a daughter, currently 7. And now, he has to deal with me for the rest of his life. He seriously needs a little-man sidekick. He needs a partner to go shoe shopping with - he loves his sneakers, his “J’s”. I can see it already… matching J’s for life.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

We’re Pregnant!

We’re Pregnant!

June 30, 2016:

For the last 4 or 5 days I have felt so tired, nauseous and bloated. My nipples have hurt to the touch. And, I have had a ton of gas! Hmmm...

I didn’t get my period although it was due today, June 30th.

June 30th... it’s my sister’s birthday today.

It wasn’t even 1pm, but just for good measure, I decided to bust out the last pregnancy test I had in my bathroom cabinet. I have taken several pregnancy tests in the last several months – we’ve sort of been trying. Nothing crazy, but I had been tracking my cycle (there’s an app for that - I used Ovia Fertility). 

However, just this last month, we decided we weren’t going to try anymore (for now). We stopped trying because just a couple weeks ago, we finally made set wedding plans! 

A week ago, during a phone conversation with my sister, I thought perhaps I might have some underlying infertility issues - she does and the realization that I haven’t gotten pregnant after trying for several months brought me to a decision. Read more about the convo here.

I decided right there in that moment [during that phone conversation] that I was going to be okay with not getting pregnant, with never having a child.

Before taking the pregnancy test, I remember thinking, “you might as well use this test because you’re not going to need it for a while”. I have taken several tests in the last several months, and always got disappointed by the quick to appear “not pregnant” line. Today, I thoroughly expected the same single line. I also expected my period to start within the hour because that’s just one of the ways nature makes fun of me.

I exaggerate not, as soon as I peed on that stick and put the cap on, before I even set the damn thing down, BOOMDOUBLE LINES!

Wait, what does double lines mean again?

I must have held my breath for 5 minutes in shock (ok, probably 5 seconds). Then, naturally, I laughed out loud… like big, goofy, belly laughed out loud. I hadn’t even pulled my pants up yet. I was still sitting on the toilet.

I looked back at the stick. Maybe I saw it wrong? Still, bold, blue double lines. I laughed again. Looked back at the stick… laughed… looked back. You get it. I did this for about 5 minutes because the instructions tell you to wait 5 minutes for an accurate response.

5 minutes later, bold, officially accurate “You’re pregnant!” double lines.

Naturally, I immediately went to the store for several more tests, of all different brands, and I bought decaf coffee.

3 more tests, 3 more “you’re pregnant!” lines.

First test went in the garbage...

I was caught totally off guard. Like seriously, I was sure taking that first test was futile. The other 3 was to prove the first was wrong.

4 pregnancy tests. 4 “You’re pregnant” lines.

It was around 2pm at this point. I was supposed to be working, but clearly I was distracted. My then fiancé was at work and I decided to wait till he got home to tell him.

When he walked in the door, doing his usual undress, unwind routine, I followed him around like a puppy. He asked what was wrong several times. “Nothing!” I said, trying not to giggle through my cheesy smile. I waited to follow him into our bathroom where I had all of the “you’re pregnant” evidence sticks on the bathroom counter. He walked in & walked right by them, go figure. At this point he practically yelled, “what is wrong with you?!” I didn’t speak, I just smiled like a goof and pointed towards the tests.

“Oh Lawd, I’m having another kid… please be a boy”.

He was happy, he hugged me and asked me how I was. I said, “I have absolutely no clue yet”.

Per the app, I was 1 day shy of 4 weeks along. The app also told me my likeliest date of conception was 6/17/16 (how the hell did that app know my Boo and I had a date that night – Improv and Jazz Club with too many Jack Daniels). And, how I am 4 weeks if I conceived 2 weeks ago? I don’t get, but.. what do I even know about pregnancy anyways?!

Every day, every hour, I am sure it will soak in more and more. But, right now, I am still trying to get over the shock of being pregnant at all, especially after last week’s decision to be okay with never having a child.

Today, the baby is the size of a mere black peppercorn. I do LOVE black pepper!

The thing I immediately think will be the hardest, giving up wine and alcohol. Especially in Vegas for my wedding.

Oh shit… my wedding. How will I get a dress? Will a dress I buy now fit by then? Will I feel okay to fly? How far along will I be then [17-18 weeks]? What will my “bump” look like at 17-18 weeks? Insert googling 18 weeks pregnant bump pictures.

How will I feel for my honeymoon?

Napa Valley - shit! Oh, heck no! I am not going to Napa Valley as a sober pregnant lady! N-O.

And, wait a second...

Do I want to be a Mom? Can I handle being a Mom? I decided just last week I’d be okay not becoming a Mom.

I need a glass of wine… Shit. I can’t have wine.

Shit… I had wine 2 days ago… and last weekend… and several times in the last few weeks.

Now what? 

But, seriously - now what?

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

The Week Before “We’re Pregnant"

The Week before “We’re Pregnant”

June 23, 2016:

We have a Vegas wedding plus honeymoon in Napa and other West Coast locations in the works - Vegas and it’s chapel are fully booked! 

I’m excited to get married. I’m excited to drink overly priced cocktails in Vegas. I’m excited to tour the Grand Canyon. I’m excited to cheers with friends and family and my new husband the night we get married. I’m excited to drink champagne for breakfast (on your honeymoon you have to, right?). I’m excited to wine taste (drink) in Napa Valley. I’m just excited to drink and run around new town(s) with my new hubby.

Since our Vegas wedding is set for 10/7/16, I really need to get a dress. So naturally, like all girls right, I plan dress shopping… unique for me is that I plan to do this alone. No, not because I have no friends. Because it is just so like me to do it alone.

It’s Saturday and I have a list of stores I intend to shop, so I put on my makeup and high heels and go.

P.S. - Since I know the stores are near a restaurant who carries a wine by the glass I recently discovered I absolutely love, Tait “The Ball Buster” Shiraz, I already know where I am having lunch - Seasons 52, alone, at the bar, with wine, hopefully cheering finding that wedding dress.

One of the main reasons we decided to do Vegas is because I told my fiancé I really don’t want to deal with all the fuss of a formally planned wedding. Sure, weddings are a beautiful thing, but I just can’t… thousands and thousands of dollars, a lot of stress, too many plans to make, details no one remembers and I won’t have time to enjoy, a lot of pressure… just doesn’t fit in with the kind of first memories I want to have in starting my life with my Boo.

Confession… been there, done that… the wedding planning. Thank God that didn’t work out - I’ve all but forgotten that man, but I haven’t forgotten how much I did NOT enjoy planning that wedding I am so thankful never happened.

So the dress… I don’t want anything “crazy” - it needs to be able to travel well, and obviously I need it before the wedding so lots of designer stores are out of the question. 

Today, I went to a couple “trunk show” and display sales. I actually found something I really loved. It wasn’t too big and flashy, it fit my curves which is something I thought my soon to be hubby would like, it was just “ different” and I could buy it off the rack. Perfect right? Well, all except the price. It was $2000 marked down to $999 - quite the discount, but still out of the less than $500 budget I had in mind.

What do you think?

I also found this dress at Macy’s - classic look, simple, somewhat easy to transport, made by Calvin Klein, and under budget at about $300. Not a “wedding” dress, and not at all what I had in mind, but an option.

Weeks earlier when I wasn’t sure what we would do for the wedding, I found this dress which I absolutely fell in love with - but considering it would take months to get and costs more than our entire elopement will, it’s out. It’s too beautiful not to show.

After shopping, I wasn’t ready to make a decision, so off to Season’s 52 for my Ball Buster Shiraz I went. 

I decided to give my sister a call — this is where things get ironic.

My sister has been having trouble getting pregnant for quite some time now. Lots of tests, lots of attempts, and it’s looking like IVF might be her only worthwhile option. She is desperate to have a child… one of those women who truly feel her life will not be complete without experiencing pregnancy. I feel for her struggle.

In our conversation, I mentioned dress shopping and gave her Vegas details. I told her my we've decided to stop trying to get pregnant, and I was going to ask my OBGYN for birth control. I mentioned we’d been trying for months, I’ve even been tracking my cycle, but to no pregnancy avail… I was starting to wonder if I, too, have underlying problems with getting pregnant.

We talked about IVF and other options, and I confidently (much more confidently than I would have thought) told her if we couldn’t get pregnant naturally, I would just “let it go”.

I decided right there in that moment that I was going to be okay with not getting pregnant, with never having a child.

Selfishly, I told her how great and fun of a life I am sure my soon to be hubby and I would have with the freedom of only having his daughter part-time without the responsibility (and expense) of a child of our own. I decided I would enjoy my step daughter and be okay not getting pregnant, ever.

The conversation caught her off guard. It caught me off guard, too. I didn’t think I could be so okay with not having a child. But, then again, I am the girl who likes to drink at a bar by herself on a Saturday after stag wedding dress shopping.

I guess that is that - I’m going to get birth control, and so be it if I don’t get pregnant, ever. So be it if my soon to be hubby and I live a spoiled, traveling, full of freedom life.

First travel adventure as husband and wife countdown begins now.

105 days till husband and wife.

102 days till liftoff to Vegas.

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Friday, February 10, 2017

The Impromptu Mom

The Impromptu Mom

Welcome! Thanks for joining me as I get ready to more than likely embarrass myself, my kids, maybe my husband and admit things probably I shouldn’t.

Mom-hood is hard. Step-Mom-hood is hard, too. Dog mom-hood… that’s pretty easy actually. To be honest, most of the time I feel like I have no clue what I’m mom-doing...

I am the step mom to a 7 1/2 year old girl, Dog Mom to an almost 2 year old toy poodle, and I am due so very soon with a baby boy (due 3/10/17). I’m also a wife to an amazing man, who I always wonder how I got so lucky to receive.

My hubby and I had a sort of impromptu wedding, a semi-elopement to Las Vegas - about 12 people joined us there. Shortly after our deciding and planning (aka purchasing flight, hotel and an easy chapel package), we found out we were pregnant - very funny, right? A Vegas wedding with a pregnant bride? Ugh... totally not what I had in mind. Well, after reserving on 6/19, I found out I was pregnant on 6/30. I was excited to be pregnant, just not so excited about the timing - you can read more about finding out I was pregnant here.

The “funny” thing about me being a wife and mom is that just a few short years ago, I was an alcohol loving, always time for a night of dancing, probably hung over at work, almost 30 going on 21, don’t give AF introvert trying oh so very hard to be an extrovert, desperate for something meaningful (whatever that was) and if I had to admit... totally unhappy.

It’s sad, but the more important thing is... it’s fucking true. 

That’s what you’re going to get around here.

Yeah - so there goes my first confession.

The last 3 years of my life have been amazing - I met the man of my dreams the man I never knew I desperately needed in July of 2014, got engaged in August 2015, found out I was pregnant on 6/30/16, and became an official wife (the luckiest wife) & step mom on 10/7/16. Now, I am just awaiting my little boy which has given my 3rd trimester a run for its money (literally, a lot of money) - we’ll talk more about that later.

Honestly, I am totally wingin’ it - the Mom thing, the wife thing, hell, even this whole life thing.

I am The Impromptu Mom.

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